Why We Need Photographs
It is a perfectly square box, with diagonal wooden panels. On the top, there is a missing piece with jagged remains; never to be repaired but always holding the threat of administering splinters. A worn golden latch protects its contents, the ones partially peeking through the broken slit.
I did not want to sift through the photographs. We tried to muster the energy in those blurry whirlwind of days. Grief had become an uninvited guest in our home. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to plan. How in the world does anyone manage to plan a funeral?
I picked up a pile and tried to straighten the disjointed mix into a neat order. It had been years since these photographs had been looked at. The cool glossy prints rested against my fingers; the weight forming memories in my hands. We eventually procured enough photographs suitable for the viewing, but my heart ached because of them. The photographs were beautiful. They were candid. Authentic. But they were few.
The photographs stopped when I reached about age 14, when digital cameras were becoming more popular and cell phones would soon begin adding cameras to their devices.
I had few, if any, good printed photographs with my mother into adulthood, and this saddened me on a deeper level that was hard to fully grasp. I would never again have the chance to make those memories. Future generations will not have the chance to see how great of a mother to me that she was, not just in my childhood but into my early twenties.
Months later, in my small apartment, I was looking at some of those same photographs. I had an idea. I wanted my mom to see life through my eyes. I don't pretend to have the slightest answer to what happens after somebody dies - but this is what I wanted to believe and this is what became my "why". Why I woke up each day.Why I traveled where I did. Why I took the photographs. I wanted her to see mountaintops that she had never had the opportunity to see. I wanted her to see crystal clear blue lakes. I wanted her to see her favorite thing - snow, and lots of it.
I spent all my free time squeezing in trips, oftentimes leaving my bags packed by the door. About a year into this idea, an incident happened that hit hard and reiterated how the photographs had come to hold an important meaning for me. I was going to Colorado, my mom loved snow at Christmastime.
En route from Columbus to Denver, my phone was stolen.
It contained some of my most precious photographs from the previous year, ones that were only saved on that device. Blaming busyness, I was kicking myself for not having backed up the files before I left. As we continued to drive on, a sadness lingered in the pit of my stomach knowing I had lost all those photographs.
When we had gone through my mother's belongings, I didn't take much. The material things mattered little. I wanted the photographs and I wanted to somehow have more of them. When my phone was stolen that day, I didn't want the device back. Ready to plea with the unknown thief, I just wanted those photographs back. The ones she was supposed to see through my eyes.
But there was a silver lining. Just a few days prior, I had uploaded 25 images to a database on a website called Artifact Uprising; a brand whose purpose I immediately resonated with. They are inspired by "the disappearing beauty of the tangible" and believe documenting our lives is an important part of each of our stories. I had meant to order the prints before I left, but had become busy and just saved them. Mercifully, although I had lost hundreds of photographs, my Artifact Uprising account had saved these precious 25 and I immediately had them shipped.
I stared at the tiny cardboard box resting on my dark grey door mat. I found myself fighting back tears as I peeled off the packaging. Printed on this beautiful stock paper was the only 25 photographs I had from the past year; a year that held an array of emotions and humble realizations. To any outsider, the compact mixture held images of awe-inspiring nature that would encourage anyone to travel. But more importantly, they contained an air of sadness and grief that only I knew. And they became a catalyst for healing. Because when those photographs became tangible, and I could hold their weight in my hand, it awoke a sleeping bear within me - one that had asleep for far too long and was now hungry.
Hungry to see more, to capture more. It proved that photographs have the ability to tell stories, to connect generations, to ease grief, to recall memories, to push us to see more before we close our eyes forever.
Yvon Chouinard said, "The more you know, the less you need."
We know that when we are hurting, lost, or grieving, a drive towards material things is not what we need. We need the memories of the summer spent in the ocean, the precariously built tree house, the cake and candles at our birthday party. We need the place where we can still feel our loved ones' embrace or hear their laughter. We need the photographs.
One day I too will be gone from this world. I want future generations to be able to pull photographs from a wooden box and hold them in their hands. They will know without hesitation, that we too, lived and loved the best we could.
Malinda Meadows is an Ohio native who was letting grief blanket her life.
She found healing through traveling and nature. She discovered changes of location led to changes in her mindset. It helped her process grief and forge a new path with greater optimism and happiness. Realizing the benefit of deliberate change, she now leads a more balanced and mindful life inspired by simple changes.
She blogs regularly at malindainthesnow.com to help others find change, however small, outside their box in order to live a happier, healthier life.